Rupert Mallin on the Other Side of the
Offering Criticism
Dear Heather
Thanks very much for your poem which I half enjoyed.
I wish to offer criticism with regards to teething,
For your men are disgruntled babies here --
naked heathen teething men. Surely naked, teething
heathen men is more appropriate:
Men on the teething ring of belief, as it were.
And I'm just not sure about bacon in the first stanza.
I know your interest in alliteration and assonance
Is due to your upbringing but it can too easily patronise
The reader. heather, don't fall for sloppy seconds.
Bacon, bream and dates? And what had Lakenheath
To do with anything? Do you suggest pigs can fly? I
Reprint the first stanza, with my amendments:
The bacon was taken to Laken-
Heath, where naked, teething heathen men
Ate a takeaway of lean bream, dates
And bacon with their mates.
Ah, that's the icecream van in the yard, so
I'll attend your second stanza tomorrow.
© Copyright Rupert Mallin 2003