I went to the Gap and acquired a pair of jeans and then I paid for a cookie at Mrs. Fields and swallowed it while I watched a fashion show they were putting on in the middle of the mall. I sat and stared with an open mouth at the beautiful girls as they walked the runway for a half-hour and then I walked back to the car and got high again because I felt faded and I still wanted to do some more shopping. I had the whole day to kill. I didn’t have any more Visine so instead I just put on my glasses, which I never wore unless I was desperate to hide my red eyes. The only reason that I have them is because I have an astigmatism.
I went to American Eagle and was looking at shoes when she tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was Ari Lopez. She was a year older than me and she had already graduated from Granite the year before. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year and I almost forgot that she existed until I saw her again. I had asked Ari to go out on a date a while back, and the day before we hooked up she was planning on moving to Boston. We went to a movie anyway, Goodfellas I think, and then out to eat at Stones Bones. Nothing heavy developed though, to my demise, just a meaningless flirty friendship. She was nervous and stressed because she hadn’t finished packing yet and I was just plain nervous and stressed. Things went shitty from there. Her moving was disappointing to me at the time because I had a huge crush on her and I felt like she was just giving me a token date because she felt sorry for me. I was cool about everything though and I managed to end the night in decent shape and she promised to at least write from Boston.
And write she did. She wrote me letters from Boston and they got increasingly romantic. I wrote steamy letters back to her. I had started going out with some girl from Valparaiso and that pissed Ari off because I think our little pen-pal thing really meant something to her. Her latest letters freaked me out because they were getting to be like hate mail. So I stopped writing her.
After being bunked by Erin and having to talk in a lonely car with depressing Milada the night before, Ari was certainly a sight for sore eyes. She was even more attractive than I remembered. Her hair was longer and she looked like she had gained a little weight. I remembered her as a girl and at some point while she was away she turned into a woman.
“Raymond, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Seattle!”
“Ari,” I said and we hugged. “I just got back a couple of days ago. I thought you were in Boston.”
“Oh, I’ve been back for a while.”
“Why? I mean, I thought you loved Boston. You always said so in your letters …”
“Something shitty happened to me and I came home. It’s not worth talking about.”
“What happened to you?” I asked.
“Um, well nothing really, at least nothing worth talking about.” She didn’t want to tell me. Changing the subject: “I’m going on my break now, would you like to join me for lunch?”
“Sure, I guess. You work here?”
“Yeah I do. I’m the assistant manager,” she smiled proudly. She was bragging about it. It’s funny that management is something that Midwesterners tend to strive for in their lives. Even better is US Steel middle management.
“Sure, let’s go get some lunch.” I was happy to go because she was looking so hot now.
We went to the Red Robin inside the mall and they sat us in a corner booth by the window.
The hostess sat us down and placed our settings. “The special today is the Four Cheese Alfredo on angel hair noodles and Jessie will be your waitress today.”
“Thanks,” I said to the hostess as she the water.
I felt that my eyes had cleared up so I took off my glasses and hung them on my shirt. A stoning from Mexi-weed only lasts for about a half-hour, hour tops. It was snowing outside again and I shivered.
“You cold?” she asked and took a sip of her water.
“I’m ok.”
“Miss,” she called to the hostess. “Can we get some coffee please ... coffee?”
“Coffee sounds good,” I agreed.
Cutting right to the chase: “So I heard that you like Erin Watkins.” She smiled as if I was a fool.
I was taking a drink of water and when I heard this some water went down the windpipe and I started coughing uncontrollably. I turned red in the face and Ari started laughing at me and she turned to look and saw other people looking over. They were wondering if I was choking.
“Oh, he’s ok,” she said to the people, “he’s just embarrassed. Tell them you’re ok, Ray.”
I couldn’t talk yet so I just held up my left hand and nodded that I was fine. After a few more minutes I was able to calm down and catch my breath. She was just sitting back and laughing at me the whole time.
“It’s cute when you choke,” she smiled.
“Jesus, where did you hear that?”
“That you were cute?”
“No,” I sipped my water again. “That Erin shit.”
“You don’t want to know,” she said and she shook her head at me.
“I do. I really want to know because it isn’t true and everybody keeps asking me about it. It’s really fucking weird.”
“You really want to know?”
“Does a bear shit in the woods?”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” she said and rolled her eyes. “Her boyfriend is a friend of my brother Chris.”
I put my hands over my face because I was suddenly worried. “Does he know?”
“Jeremy Otsap,” she asked.
“No, Bozo The Clown. Of course I’m talking about Jeremy.”
“Yeah, he knows. I heard that he’s pretty pissed, but you’re lucky for now. He’s still in Wisconsin playing football and he won’t be back until March. I don’t think that he knows who you are, but I’m sure he’s anxious to find out.”
“I’m not planning that he will,” I assured her. “I might have to run away.”
She stared out the window and laughed about something.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh, I was just thinking about something some guy from Boston told me about the city when I first got there.”
“What?”
“He said Boston has good news and bad news. The bad news is there’s nothing to eat but horseshit. But the good news is that there’s plenty of it.”
I smiled politely. “That doesn’t even make sense.” It was kind of a rude thing to say so I kept talking. “Ari, you have to believe me on this one. I don’t know why everybody is saying this. You’ve got to help me clear this up. I’m gonna get killed by that psycho and for once in my life I’m innocent.”
“For once, huh. That’s a good one. And what am I supposed to do about it? I’ve got my own problems … believe me.”
“Can’t you tell your brother something? Tell him I already have a girlfriend and I’m madly in love with this other girl?” Her eyes sunk and her face shifted to this solemn expression. Me saying that brought her back to the basis for her hate mail.
“You mean another girl that isn’t me? Like that whore from Valpo you were going out with? Why would I benefit from this?” I noticed the level of psychotics increasing in her eyes and it was pissing me off. “You’re going to have to do something for me, don’t you think, Raymond?”
“Jesus Ari, what kind of fucking extortion question is that? I thought we were friends. Friends do each other favors, don’t they?”
The waitress came over to the table and poured our coffee and then took our order. Ari got the fish and chips and I got a cheeseburger and a Coke. The waitress, I guess her name was Jessie, pranced back to the kitchen. She looked sexy.
“What if I need a favor from you in return?” she asked me.
“That depends on if you can help me or not.”
“I can.”
“How can I believe you? I just feel weird trusting you after all those hate letters you sent.”
“They weren’t hate letters, Ray. They were ... emotional letters. Besides, you just have to trust me.”
“Fuck.”
“What do you say, will you hear me out?” she asked.
“Shoot.”
“Well, there’s this guy.”
“And?”
“Well, he likes me.”
“Yeah, so what’s the problem?”
“He has a girlfriend.”
“No way Ari, I’m not fucking with somebody’s girlfriend.”
“You don’t have to,” she said. “Besides, sometimes you act like you can mess with any girl that you want to.”
“How do you know he likes you then?”
“Because I slept with him!”
“You mean you had sex? I got news for you, that don’t mean he likes you. Shit, it doesn’t even mean he knows your last name.”
“I’m pregnant …”
“Christ, you think so or you know so, which is it?”
“I know so, I saw a doctor yesterday morning before work.”
“Are you sure it’s his?”
“Yes I’m fucking sure!”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t mean it like that. Who is this guy?”
“His name is Tim Miller.”
“Never heard of him.”
“He’s older and he’s from Ohio. He just moved to Indiana last year.”
“Fuck that’s heavy shit, Ari. So, what do you want me to do?”
“Well, there’s more that I have to tell you first,” she said and she looked out the window in silence. Her eyes started to water and she looked like she was about to cry. I took her hand.
“More than I’m pregnant?”
“Oh, this is hard,” she trembled.
“Look, you don’t have tell me anything.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s just a matter of time before everybody knows about this anyway. You know how this town is.”
“Yeah, it sucks.”
“Well,” she whispered.
I waited for another word.
“I am,” she stopped again.
I waited.
“I am, H ... I ... V positive. I found out during my pregnancy test.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. What do you say to that? Don’t worry, everything’s going to be ok? I can’t imagine how scary it would be to find out you’re HIV positive. What was scary to me was how I fit into this. God, all those times I thought about making love to this girl. I’m so lucky it was just a fantasy.
“What about the baby?” I asked and for once I was really concerned about something.
“I’m having an abortion.”
“I don’t know what to say, Ari.”
“Well when you figure it out, save it for Tim Miller.”
“Huh, you don’t mean—”
“I,” she hesitated, “I want you to tell him, as like, part of our deal.”
“Bullshit! I don’t even know him and you want me to tell him that he might have AIDS, and so might his girlfriend? Oh, and by the way, congratulations on becoming a daddy! Are you out of your fucking mind?”
“Ray, he won’t talk to me at all,” she said, “and I want him to know before everybody finds out. I love him.” She started crying.
“Oh my God,” I whispered to myself. “Get serious, Ari. You love every guy you’re with.”
“Ray, please,” she said between sobs, “I need your help. I promise I can get Jeremy Otsap off your back. I promise.”
“God, how can I even think about that guy now? Do you know how you got it?”
“The doctor thinks I got it during a blood transfusion when I was thirteen. But I’ll never know for sure where it came from.”
“Oh my God.”
The waitress brought our food to the table and was about to ask if we would like anything else when she noticed Ari crying. She looked at me like I was abusing the poor girl and she quietly swished her tight ass back to the kitchen. I had completely lost my appetite, but I ate my cheeseburger anyway, but only because I had to pay for it. Ari didn’t touch her food at all and she had it wrapped up before we left.
I put my arm around her as we walked back to her work.
“Ray, I’m so scared.”
“I’m sure you are.”
“My poor baby,” she complained and held her belly.
“Look, how do you want me to tell this guy?”
“How ever you want. I can tell you how to find him. I just want you to tell him in person, I don’t think anyone would want to hear that kind of news over the phone or in a letter, do you?”
“No I don’t think so.”
“When do you think that you can tell him?”
“Sooner the better, I guess. Where can I find him?”
“There’s a guy named Anthony Falco who’s having a really huge party tonight. Everyone will be there. That’s were you’ll be able to find him.”
We stopped up front of American Eagle and I hugged her tightly. I already felt like I was hugging a corpse.
“Will you be there tonight?” I asked as I fought back tears. I felt like if I kept talking to her I’d start crying. When I think of people being inflicted with AIDS and HIV, I think of tribes in Africa, propaganda that it’s only homosexuals who get it, not about cute teenage girls that I want to date.
“No. I don’t feel much like partying these days, Ray.”
“You know if I tell him tonight, he might tell everyone.”
“That’s fine, I’m leaving town for good in three days.”
“Where are you going to do go?”
“My grandfather has a farm in Alabama and there is a special AIDS clinic in Birmingham where I can get some treatment. I figure I can live out the rest of my life down there. I might try to write a book.”
“Shit, I could never write a book. If you write one, I’ll read it.”
“Thanks.”
One little tiny tear dripped from my eye and I tried to wipe it away without her seeing it, but she did and she smiled at me.
“You’re really sweet, Ray. I was stupid for not getting together with you after that date we went on last year. I should’ve stayed with you instead of going away.”
I couldn’t respond to her because I was glad we didn’t, and I sure as hell couldn’t tell her how I really felt, nervous and scared. Scared for her. Scared for me. I tried really hard not to let it show.
“But, I guess you’re happy that we never got together though, huh?” she asked looking up at me with her big bombed-out brown eyes. I zeroed in on the skin around her lashes and I could see all the tiny wrinkles above her eyelids, which were washed in purple eyeshadow. Then I let my imagination run off and my vision dove into her eyes and I could see into her head. There were parasites everywhere, and they were eating her alive. Still I didn’t say anything. All I could do was stare at her.
“Don’t worry, you can’t get it by kissing someone.”
“I know,” I said defensively, “I’m not worried about that.” But I was. I was scared to death. If this girl could get AIDS then anyone could. “It’s just so sad. You’re such a nice person. I could have loved you.”
She reached around my head and kissed me on the mouth and I just froze. I spent the whole time in Seattle thinking about what it would be like to kiss this girl. Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have imagined it like this with her practically dead and my life just beginning. She stepped away from me and she had this terrible look of dread.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be.”
It was probably the last time she ever kissed anyone in a romantic way for the rest of her life. On my way home I got stuck in traffic and I cried my eyes out for that poor girl. She was so nice, so beautiful, so young, and she was dying. God, it was one of the saddest things I had ever experienced in my entire life. I’ve never felt the same as I did before that day. That’s when I started to change for good. When I cried in the car for that girl I was moved with compassion for a human life, compassion I never knew I had. When I got home I went in my bedroom and shut the door. I got down on my knees and said a prayer for her and I asked God to give me the strength to change into a better person. I wanted to become a respectable man.
It had been years since I had really cried hard. I had been angry, had bottled up feelings, and had this don’t-give-a-fuck attitude for such a long time that when I finally let everything out the tears came in buckets and my nose became a snot river. Afterwards I took a really hot shower and felt a lot better. It was three o’clock and school was just letting out. I took a few bong rips and then lay down on the couch.